Welcome to our interactive story, please read it and then add on your chapter...

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Endemol have decided do do a followup Big Brother 2 for charity, and have managed to persuade all eleven housemates to take part. As they failed to renew the planning permission for Bow they decided to use a large existing house Channel four have been refurbishing in North London. It took quite a lot of work, especially to add in the cxamera runs, but the Big Brother Team were very pleased with the end results. The house bigger, has two storeys, a gym and a swimming pool.

Helen walks into the room carrying her case. 'Ooh, it's good to be back here' she says - I loved this place. Paul follows her in 'Hey babe, we're back!'.

Amma comes out of the kitchen, 'Never thought, they'd get me back in here,' she says 'still it is for charity and it's a good excuse to lay off work for a few weeks.'

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Please feel free to add to our story!

'Evil'

A huge scream is heard from upstairs and Brian comes running down the stairs and throws his arms around Helen.

'Mrs Clarke!!! How the devil are you? Love the Gucci sunglasses'.

'Hi Bri', Helen says, 'Great to see you. Who else is here then?'

The strains of a guitar can be heard from a door on the right. Helen and Paul both look at each other.

'Dean'. They both say in unison, and Helen rushes through the door into the lounge.

'Dean babe, How's life since Delux got to number one then? Coping with the groupies are you?'









[Edited on 2-12-2001 by LEE]

"It's been a bit slower than I thought it would" Dean replied. "The groupies disappeared, thank goodness, it was starting to bug Vanessa"

Bubble came into the room with Stuart, attracted by the sound of the guitar.

"Well Dean Hows Venessa, " Stuart Asked

"She's fine" Dean said as he began picking a few chords on his guitar.

"I see you found the deck chair" Bubble quipped

"Oi cut that out you" Dean Joked.

Bubble turned to look at Helen and offered his hand to Paul "I hear Congratulations are in order"

"Yeah cool " Was all that Paul could say before Bubble turned to Helen. "So how long to go now"

"Oh 6 months" she said proudly rubing her abdomen.

"Stuart looked up at the cealing " I like how they did this place up Brian"

"Yes Stuart, when they had to knock down the original house they said they might do up an existing property instead of build a new one. I quite like it too, it has charm"

"How old is it" Dean asked

"By the look of it, and the plaque above the door as we came in it was built in 1869" Stuart answered

"I'm going to the kitchen to see Ama " Helen told Paul and left the room to go into the hall.

As she walked across the hallway, Helen thought she would fix her hair in one of the mirrors the BB crew had fitted.

Suddenly instead of her face in the mirror, the face of young girl stared out at her. Her clothes looked old. The figure was mouthing something, Helen could not make out.

Suddenly there was a hand on her shoulder. Helen Jumped round to see the face of Penny

"You ok H" she asked, "you look white as a sheet"

Helen turned round to look at the mirror, this time it was her own face. Suddenly her legs turned to jelly.

"Paul!" Penny yelled

Amma came out of the kitchen and helped Helen to sit down on the stairs.

"Do you need to see a doctor ?" Penny asked trying to be helpful

"It was horrible "was all that Helen could say.

Josh came out of the Kitchen to see what the comotion was about. Suddenly he felt very cold, his pychic sense was working overtime.

Paul comes rushing out of the lounge quickly followed by Dean, Bubble and Stuart,

‘What’s the matter, babe?’ he say’s in a worried voice. ‘You OK, you look really white.’

‘I’m fine’ Helen responds ‘It’s just I thought………… Oh it’s nothing, I think all those pickled onions are giving me hallucinations!’

‘Pickled Onions!!, What on earth are you talking about’ grins Bubble, ‘Sounds gross’.

‘Well,’ Paul says with a resigned grin on his face ‘You know you here about all these cravings that pregnant women get, well it’s true, big time. And it’s not cool!!’

‘H, how could you?’ Brian screams ‘Pickled Onions, yuk or as your husband would say, double yuk!’.

‘Yeah,’ Liz intervenes, ‘Just remember we have a strict food budget in here H, we won’t have enough to indulge your cravings.’

‘Anyway, I’m feeling fine now,’ said Helen, standing up and steadying herself on Paul’s arm. ‘Has anyone been outside in the garden yet?’

‘Let’s explore’ Brian says and heads off towards the back of the house, followed inquisitively by the other housemates.

'Half a sec' Bubble shouts, 'I've just realised, 'Where's the hell's Narinder?'

Brian turns around looking aghast. 'Oh my God' he screamed 'I hadn't even realised, she'll kill me!'

At this moment the main door opens and Naz saunters in.

'Where the hell have you been?' Brian shouts as he runs over to her and hugs her.

'Just wanted to make an entrance my dear' she replies with a wink. 'How are you all anyway? This house is a bit different isn't it?'

'Yeah' Brian says, we were about to have a look in the garden.

Bubble opens the huge french windows at the back of the house, ‘Blimey, you’ll never guess what’s out here…..’


[Edited on 4-12-2001 by LEE]

"OH MY GOD!!!!!" gasps Helen.
'Double cool!!" Paul joins in.
"Ding dong - we like that, we like that a lot" Bubble claimed, his long tonge dominating his expression of complete excitement.
Brian and Naz screech and squeal and scream and bounce up and down before dissolving into the 'Rolling' dance routine, expressing their complete and utter excitement to what they have just witnessed.
'I dont believe it!" says Elizabeth, a look of amazement washes over her usual expresionless face and she turns to Dean, who usually too isnt phased by anything but has his jaw wide open.
Then, with no further hesitation...the housemates dash out to the garden to meet the 10 famous faces staring back at them.
One of the faces is Matt le Blanc and he takes an instant liking to Helen and says to her, 'How you doin?' Helen blushes...
Paul quiclyl grabs Helens hand to make clear to Matt le Blanc that Helen has already got someone.
But Brian is astonished to see a certain famous face, "I cant believe you are here"
Brian waits for a response from his idol of all time.....

Jannet Jackson comes up to Brian "Thanks for pluggin my record" she told Brian. Then they went into a rendition of "Nasty Boy"

"What's going on ?" Elizebeth asked Posh Spice

"We are here to have our photos taken with you, then some can be signed and auctioned, the others are for a Big Brother and Celebrity Charity calendar" She responded.

"Would Paul Please come to the diary room" boomed the tannoy.

Paul reluctantly left Helen and went to through the kitchen to the diary room.

Inside he found a digital camera

"Big Brother would like you to take the charity photographs, since you did such a good job of the Calendar in the 2001 Big Brother"

"That's cool" Paul replied and returned to the garden.

For the rest of the afternoon they had fun taking photos.

The Duet between Penny and Cliff Richard was an experience not to be missed.

After a special meal laid on by Big Brother, the celebrities left and Paul left the camera in the Diary Room.

That evening as Tony one of the technicians downloaded the shots, he noticed something odd on one of the shots.

"Keith, what do you make of this ?" he said to his line manager as he pointed to the image of Narinda next to an embarrassed Matt Le Blanc. Just to the right of the couple was the face of a young girl, staring out of the image

Keith looked at the image. "Double exposure ?" he suggested

"From a Digital Camara ?"

"Ahh"

"Did you hear any of the stories from when they were redoing this place"

Keith got irritated at this question "Look I do not hold with that superstitious clap trap. I have no idea how Mr Clarke has botched that shot, but I do have the solution with what to do with it"

With that he deleted the image. "I want to hear no more about it"

"Yes Sir" Tony replied.

Meanwhile back in the house...

They are all talking about their new celebrity friends.

"I love meeting new people I do" says Helen. Everyone agreed.

While they are talking it was Keiths turn to have a rest in the production area. He wondered off leaving Tony alone. Tony had seen Keith delete the file from the hard drive earlier and put it into the recyclye bin, but reaised he had forgotton to delete it from there.

Tony put his hand on the mouse and grinned. He continued to restore the file and open it up, he had another good look at the picture, and then grabbed his notebook to look up the number for the local newspaper. Once he found it he threw down the notepad, mistakenly hitting the Tanoy button for the house.

He dials, and the phone is answered. Tony starts to talk.

"Hello, my name is Tony Brooks, I am one of the senior producers for Big Brother. I think I may have a story you may be interested in."

In the lounge the housemates all look at each other, Dean stands up.

"While in the house today some of our camera footage seems to show evidence that the Big Brother house may be haunted. I was wondering how much you would pay for these pictures"

"Oh My God!" Screamed Helen. She ran over to paul and cuddled into him tightly.

Dean looked over at Elizabeth and she stared back. An eerie silence filled the room.

Dean decides to go to the diary room.

As Tony (Big Brother) let him in, Dean questioned the phone call that they heard. A worried Tony, realising his comments had been heard, not only by the housemates but by the whole nation, replied by saying.........

... in his special Big Brother voice.

"The voice you just heard was a hacker. Who has just broken into our system. We have expelled them and changed our security programs. BigBrother regrets the fact they got through to the public address system before we could remove them from our system"

Dean was taken back, remembering the time in the original Big Brother House when two pizza delivery men broke into the Big Brother Compound. "Why did he try to put the frighteners on us then in that way"

Tony mopped his forehead. Luckily he had managed to cut the audio on the 60 second delay feed. So to his relief, the viewers hadn't heard it as he first thought. He could not keep the audio out of circuit for much longer, so he was trying to think fast.

Tony pressed the mute button to the Diary Room and spoke to the man on the phone, "something's just come up, I'll call back" and he hung up the receiver.

"Well " repeated Dean

"Big Brother has no knowledge of the Hacker's reason for what he has just said"

"So is this building Haunted" Dean asked impatiently, "Stuart did say this building was built in 1869"

"Big Brother has not heard any reports to suggest what the hacker said was true. Big Brother considers the welfare of the housemates of paramount importance, and would not be put at risk. Is there anything else Big Brother can help you with"

"Just get your act together on the security front, we have a pregnant women here and what we heard was outragous, even if it was a hacker" With that Dean Left the Diary room.

"So what is going on Dean" Elizabeth asked him as he emerged into the kitchen.

"Some hacker broke in to the tannoy" Dean told the housemates.

"That is so uncool" Paul replied "I don't like people messing with us like that"

"But I saw a face of this girl in the mirror" bleated Helen, still holding onto Paul.

"H, We've been through that. You just hallucinated" Elizabeth snapped back "Anyway, there are no such things as ghosts. They are effects caused by magnetic fields and subsonic vibrations"

Helen felt intimidated into silence, she was pregnant, so her hormones had to all over the place. No one would believe her.


Tony Had an idea

"Big Brother would like to set a discussion task. What lessons did you learn about how you managed after BigBrother ended"

The housemates kicked off the discussion and he released the audio feed.

"What happened down there" came a voice over his headset.

"They were saying stuff that could have been libelous, I set them a discussion task to get them to change the subject" he lied

"OK" came the reply

They had bought it, hook line sinker, rod arm, body Fishing chair

Tony felt a breeze on the back of his neck, and instinctively he turned to see where it came from. Keith had left the door open, so Tony got up and closed it. When he returned to his desk He went to look at the image again. This time the image of the girl was gone....


Meanwhile back in the house Stuart opened the discussion task on "What lessons did you learn about how you managed after BigBrother ended"

Stuart started by telling everyone about the numerous new sorts of sit-ups he’d been taught. However, he’d yet to master one suitable for use on a sun-bed.

Josh explained he’d learnt that curtain material was not always suitable for dancing trousers, no matter what his Nan had told him.

‘I know who the first man on the moon was’ chipped in Brian enthusiastically. Taking a deep breath he continued

“Neil Alden Armstrong was born on August 5,1930 in Wapakoneta, Ohio. He holds a degree in aeronautical engineering from Purdue University and a masters degree in aerospace engineering from the University of Southern California. From 1949 to 1952, Armstrong was a naval aviator. Upon leaving military service, he became a test pilot. While serving as a test pilot, he was chosen to be a member of the astronaut corps. Though he was on the backup crew of many previous flights, his first space flight occurred in 1966 aboard Gemini 8. During this flight, he and fellow astronaut David Scott successfully performed the first docking in space between two vehicles. In July of 1969, Neil Armstrong was the commander of Apollo 11, America's first attempt to land a manned vehicle on the Moon. On July 20, 1969 Commander Armstrong and fellow astronaut Edwin Aldrin successfully touched down on the lunar surface. As Armstrong became the first person to touch the Moon's surface, he spoke the unforgettable phrase, "That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind". He and Aldrin explored the Moon's surface for 2.5 hours. Armstrong was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in recognition of his accomplishments and his contributions to the space program.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. Elizabeth’s jaw dropped along with her asparagus.

Feeling a little dizzy Brian sat down, guided by Penny. Getting back to his old self he added “Can you imagine? All those demons in space. Evil.”

Penny proudly beamed “I knew that book-club subscription wasn’t going to be wasted on you. I’ve learnt that all my girls are beautiful and lovely and that I need to have more confidence in my own views. I must remember that other peoples opinions are only that and not allow them to trample my creativity …”

“And I’ve learnt to be more sensitive to other people’s inadequacies, and to make allowances for them” interrupted Stuart. “Not everyone can have business skills or a stomach like mine!”

“According to some woman you can’t actually eat as much chocolate and chips as you want. Even if you dance to Bananarama!” Announced Helen. “Don’t think I believe her. She’s not sparkly. Paul, I can eat lots of chocolate and chips can’t I?”

“And double cool ice-cream, brioche, and coleslaw – not to mention double wicked fish pie. Sometimes it looks like you’re eating your knife, fork and plate. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!” he replied.

“Enough about you two - you’re obsessed with each other - let’s talk about me now” Naz butted in.

“I’ve learned that the best way to become famous is to turn up to as many celebrity bashes as possible, wearing as little as possible, and hang around with my best pals - Brian of course, and Lady Victoria Hervey. Did you all see me at the Mobo awards, the Pantene awards ….”

“Who are you kidding Naz” chuckled Bubble - “my tongue’s more famous than you are.”

“Ok, enough you two” said Dean sternly, “let’s stop the bickering and get back to the discussion topic. “I have learned that Heat magazine isn’t beneath me after all, especially after all the lovely pics they took at my wedding. Oh, and I forgot to thank you, Brian for the Destiny’s Child CD collection you gave us for a wedding present - I love them.”

“I just knew you’d like them” beamed Brian. “Oh, this discussion topic is totally evil - I’m getting fed up of it now - what else can we do?”

“I’ve got a wicked idea, mate” said Paul - “why don’t we go and try out the swimming pool at the bottom of the garden - that would be totally pooltastic, wouldn’t it H?” “Oh god yeah, Paul - that sounds lush” squealed Helen as she rushed off to change into her cossie.

“Right then, the pool it is” said Brian. “Come on everyone, last one in has to clean out the chickens ………………”

They all rush inside as fast as they can except for Dean and Elizabeth.

"H better be careful with the baby you know" Says Elizabeth

"She obviously knows what shes doing" Dean replies.

In the girls and boys room they are all changing a fast as they can. Bubble is first to change, runs out the room and turns off the light as he leaves.

A screach is heard from the boys room followed by "DEMONS" Amma and Penny look at each other and laugh. Brian runs out the bedroom and downstiars. He continues to run outside and towards Bubble.

"You haven't changed have you? Still as evil as ever" Brian returned into the house.

Bubble then got into the pool, and started swimming around.

"Is it nice" shouts over Elizabeth

"Dude its lovely, why dont you get in your cozzie and come on in?" Replies Bubble.

Elizabeth just smiles, and turn away.

The girls now come down the stairs, Helen leading the way. "Well me and Paul are gonna get this huge house with a swimming pool, oh it's gonna be great!"

They continue over to the pool and get in. The boys come out and follow. The next hour is spent with everyone enjoying themselves, and a silence occured.

"Paul" said Helen.

"Wot babe?" replied Paul

"Does your name have any connectioon with a pool in another language" Said Helen in a serious voice.

"Well it's funny you should say that. Once me and my mates were going down town and we met these girls"

Helen gave him a stare

"Here he goes" says Brian. "Can't just have one girl on the go can he?"

Helen takes her eyes off Paul and looks around.

"Um guys where's bubble.... OMG WHERE IS BUBBLE" Helen looks worried.

Suddenly a huge spalsh comes up from behind her and Bubble pops up and shouts..............

'Helen, how long did you say you had to go before the baby's born?'
gasped the little guy.

'Six months, Bubble!' said Helen.

'Are you sure it's still that long?' he spluttered.

'I should know! It's three months since me and Mr Clarke got married, so it's got to be six months, hasn't it Bubble?'

'I don't know about that Helen, but there's something very peculiar going on down there' said Bubble.

'Hang on a minute babe, I'll take a look!' said Paul before diving under the water.

'Why, whats going on you guys? I don't like this!' cried Helen, as Paul surfaced, spluttering and very excited.

'You will not believe what's going on down there! It's amazing! It's fantastic, it's my baby, I think it's like, being born, and it's like happening now!'

'Oh wow! A water birth, that's so cool!' said Elizabeth.

'Why, wha's going on? Will somebody tell me? Why does nobody take me SERIOUS Paul?' Helen looked beseechingly at her soulmate.

Paul held her hand and gently explained ''Babe, you are having our baby!'

H: 'Oh. I know Paul, in October, now stop showing off!'

P:No babe, our baby is coming NOW! Aren't you in any pain?

H:Well I've been getting a lot of wind, but I thought it was the pickled onions, and I thought I could blame Amma for the bubbles, and anyway I can't be!

Brian: Hang on, how premature can a baby be? If she's only three months, this is very serious!

Narinder: Oh, come on, she's enormous! I was just being polite when I saw her earlier, but look at her, she's either full term or the Hadley Wood loveshack is made of gingerbread and she's eaten the walls and all the furniture!

P: Listen Naz, H is beautiful, OK? Pregnant gels put on a little weight! I think she looks fantastic!

H: Do you Paul?

P: I certainly do babe!

H: Oh Paul!

P: Love you babe!

N: Well all I can say is that love certainly is .....

Brian: Stevie Wonder, Naz?

Penny: Now, come on everyone, we need a little order. ... Stuart, fetch the towels

Elizabeth: Dean, get your guitar, this child must have music, peace and love when it first experiences the trauma of leaving the womb!'

'Dean, Can you play the vengaboys are coming?' asked Helen

'No, that would be beneath me! I tell you what, I'll play 'Can he fix it' to the tune of Home and Away' said Dean

Brian: Dean!

H: No Dean, play Deluxe, we love deluxe! Oh, oh, Paul! Somethings happening, what's happening to me, I don't like it!
Call Big brother, call the ambulance!

E: To late for that H, push! Stuart, where's the towels?

Stuart: All I could find was these!'

E: Give them here (starts ripping)

Josh: No.....MY GUCCI TROUSERS!

P: You're doing fantastic! Just keep pushing....

E: Thank God I brought my scuba equipment from my trip to the Galapagous islands,,,,here goes...glub....

H: Oh Paul!

The action hots up....

Elizabeth surfaces 'Can someone switch off the bubbles please? Oh, there aren't any? Amma, get out of the pool. In fact everyone get out, this is not a side show!'

P; No Liz, this time I'm staying with my girl!

The others all sit around the pool whilst Paul lovingly strokes H's forehead and mentally plans his babies future... second generation international popstar, like whassisname Inglesias....brilliant! Handsome, like me...stunningly intelligent, like me.....

Big brother hurriedly installs pool cam and asks Helen to pant whilst they test it out.

Helen grips Pauls hand tightly : Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Paul!

P: No Helen, not now!

H: Oh Paul, I'm only pantin to slow it down a bit for the cameras. Can you brush my hair quick?

P: Your hair looks great and I don't think they'll notice babe!

Elizabeth emerges 'Not much longer H, be brave! It will take some doing, I think the baby has ENORMOUS shoulders...' she said before she ducked down again..

P: Er.... H?

Naz: Oh-oh, wars about to break out on the western front!

P: Enormous shoulders H?

H: Oh Paul, it can't be, I JUST KNOW IT'S YOURS..

P: We ain't bin married THAT long H!

Brian counts out on his fingers, Bubble looks down and scuffs his feet awkwardly on the pool side. Stuart does some stomach crunches, and Amma boils some water...

Brian: It's alright H! It's 19th April! So, it must have been when you were....

H:Pant, pant! In the den!

P: The den WAS brilliant!

Dean: It obviously was for you! You said you wouldn't !

Penny: You told Davina nothing happened under the covers!

P: Arrest me!

Elizabeth emerges, carrying a pink and squealing baby boy. 'Oh, it's so wonderful! A pure new life! Let's all just think a moment, meditate upon this wonderful miracle!'

P: H, you were wonderful, an absolute star!

H: Oh Paul is it alright?

P: He's gorgeous babe, he looks just like me!

Elizabeth: And I was wrong about the shoulders holding him back, but I'm afraid his ears...

H: Oh Paul they're just like yours!

P: Cool!

Later, the group cluster round the happy family scene.

Big brother is ecstatic about the ratings, and Dermot O'Leary, Davina, Matthew and Holly Willow call in to bring gifts for the new baby. Davina's midwife checks Helen over, pronounces all to be well and congratulates Elizabeth, who looks very smug, but no-one notices the difference.

Helen cradles the baby, Paul looks down lovingly, and the baby takes his first look at life.....

Stuart feels the need to spontaneously hug Penny, who looks a little down. 'Cheer up Penny! I'm sure someone will come along for you....'
Penny: You really are a nice chap aren't you Stuart? And you're fertile aren't you? Three children? Tell me all about them, let's go in the hut.............

Bubble: 'Amma, do you know we both have double beds again...we like that! Your divan or mine?

Naz to Brian: I have a feeling that theres something in the air tonight.. Jat will never approve, I'm leaving!

Josh: Isn't it time we ironed out our differences Brian?

Elizabeth, sidling up to Dean, pulls the guitar gently from his hand whispers in his ear:
Oh, Dean, do you think some things are just meant to be?

Dean: No, I bloody don't! Naz, wait for me!

Naz: Come on Dean, we don't belong here!

Dean: You know, if it wasn't April, it would feel like Christmas tonight...........

:noel::rudolph::noel::rudolph::noel:

R.O.B you are a bloody genius that was hysterical:xmas::snowma n:

Gotta agree with Chilledbootz, that was brill! Sorry, not supposed to comment here!

Mark

Helen and Paul were left sitting on the sofa as everyone walked away.

P: This is completly cool you know

H: Yeah

P: Now we need to think of a name for it!

H: Oh I dunno Paul..

P: What do you mean?

H: I don't know what to call it!

P: Lets ask the others what they think

:: Paul calls back the others and they all wonder back over apart from Narinder who makes some tea ::

H: Guys - we were thinking - what shall we call our new born?

I dunno H, go for something original, like Archie

N: You can't call a baby Archie! Try something like Jatinder - thats a lovely name

:: The group look at Naz and smile ::

H: Oh I don't know! This is all getting too much! She grabs "baby" off Paul and walks outside with him

:: She go's and sits in the Den ::

H: Mummy's gonna think of a name for you little boy! I know the perfect name!

I am going to call you..................

GLITTER!!!!!!!!

.... well, at least that'll be my own special nickname for you. It'll be our little secret, so it will, little glitterbaby.

As for your real name, well ....... daddy and I will have to give that some more thought .........

PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING:
Paul haters may find the following chapter deeply nauseating..........

Later that night, after much fuss and bother and lighting of incense and candles, the others return to the house and the new little family settles down in the den.

It's a good little baby, and despite looking uncannily like his dad, seems to have inherited his mum's laid back attitude to life.

Paul is too excited to sleep, and props himself up on one elbow to look at his sleeping wife and baby.

'Like, WOW!' he thinks to himself. 'I just started off thinking she was pretty cool, then I needed some TLC, and we came in here for a bit of a cuddle, and like WOW!
It's absolutely AMAZING! A year ago I'd just finished that little fling with Gerda in Cologne - she was understandably gutted – then I comes in here – the old Clarke charm kicks in again – Penny, had to fight her off, then all the angst I went through with those nominations, it was all worth it, just for this moment.

Even with her mouth open, dribbling and blowing bubbles, I love this girl! Who'd have thought it!'

Helen stirs, muttering 'He's soo cute, he's our little glitterbabe!'

'What babe?' asks Paul.

'Sorry, was I talkin?' asked Helen sleepily.

'Yeah, I think it's catching!' said Paul 'You alright?'

H: 'Yeah, I'm feeling great! Can't you sleep love?'

P: 'I could, I could, but I don't want to! This is just such an unbelievable night, and I don't want it to end'

H: Do you like what I done for you Mr Clarke?

P: Like him? I love him - he's infantastic!

H: He is, int he Paul!

P: Mate, he's unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable!

H: What shall we call him then Paul? We gotta give him a name..

P: I bin thinking about that.

H: Have you?

P: I have, H. And here's what I think -

H: Go on then!

P: Well you know Davina said we were like the new Posh and Becks…

H: Yeah, yeah, go on..

P: Which is pretty amazing when you think about it, right?

H: (Sighs) Yes Paul,

P: Isn’t it though? I mean it’s just..

H: Shaddup!

P: Well it is!

H: Shaddup Paul, get on with it!!!

P: So, just a minute, let me finish, anyway, why don’t we do what they did?

H: How do you mean?

P: Call him after where he was conceived…you know where he started.

H: He started in the pool, Paul!

P: No, I mean when we..

H: Oh, right, OK!

P: So, what do you think of Bowden?

H: What?

P: Well, we was in Bow, and in the den want we!

H: Paul, that’s so clever! And it’s a nice name, really classy, ‘Bowden Clarke’ I like that, I do!

P: Yeah, triple cool! Oh, and Helen…….
.
H: Yes Paul

P: No child of mine is EVER going to be called ‘glitterbabe’, OK!

H: Mr Clarke, as if I would!

P: Well, OK then, Bowden it is!

H: Lovely, you are a really lovely guy, and a lovely daddy, ent you Paul?

P: Mmmmm, yeah, course I am. Now let’s all get some sleep.

SSSShhhhhh! Now, lets leave them in peace and see what's going on back in the house......

Night-time manoevres of a very different kind are going on…………….


:frosty::rudolph::noel:

Oh ROB before we go back to the story I must just tell you how brilliant your two chapters are. Everyone is really good but you are just soooo funny and can write dialogue, esp. H&P's so cleverly, it's fantastic to read. Sorry to interupt the story but I just had to tell ROB this. Please forgive story readers.

The following day...

It is early morning, and Helen, Paul and bowden have been thrown out of the main bedroom on account of the newest member of the Clarke family testing his lung capacity through the night.

So the three have to crash in the lounge.

Stuart wanders down to look out into the garden, taking care not to wake the Clarke Family.

Suddenly out of the sky come two people on on PowerSending chutes.

Instinctively Stuart closes the door as the two men land.

"I don't believe this" He utters, "Its like Big Brother 2"

The two men seem to split up. One kneels on the lawn.

The other runs towards the patio doors and starts to bang on the glass.

The other man approaches the glass door with a poster saying "Gucci Leather Is Gucci Murder"

"Oh my God!" Stuart exclaims, "animal rights nutters"

"Would all the housemates please go up stairs to the main bed room and close the door." Booms the tannoy

The Clarkes are rather groggy but Stuart helps them up.

The second intruder starts to spray his slogan on the glass...

That is until three burly security guards, extras from walking with Beasts, intervene and show them the error of their ways.

Meanwhile Helen is in a state of shock. And all of the other housemates are upset that the screaming of little Bowden has disturbed their beauty sleep.

They remain upstairs for two hours while the glass door is repaired.

"Can't you shut that Brat up" Yells Narinder.

Helen looks hurt as she tries to comfort Bowden.

Paul finaly looses his temper and tells Narinder ......

… to shut up or he’ll throw her in the pool.

Naz storms off in a huff and can be heard muttering under her breath that no baby of hers would ever make so much noise.

The housemates are finally let downstairs and most of them wonder into the lounge and sit down.

Bowden is crying, so Helen turns to Dean.

‘Dean, can you play us a lullaby, help this little glitterbabe get off to sleep’.

‘Glitterbabe!’ Dean says askance.

Paul looks despairingly at his wife, in his minds eye he could already see all the ‘Glitterbabe’ T-shirts that would be in the shops by tomorrow. ‘Well, it is for charity I suppose’, he smiles to himself.

Dean sits down on the sofa next to Helen and little Bowden and starts to play quietly. Pretty soon the crying stops and all we can hear is the contented gurgling of a very sleepy little baby.

As Bowden falls to sleep, Helen gently carries him over the the cot in the corner of the room and makes him comfortable.

‘You know,’ Brian says to Penny, ‘I think she’s going to make a great mum.’

- - - - - - - -

‘This is Big Brother. Could someone please come to the Diary Room.’

‘I’ll go’, says Stuart, who is standing nearest the door, and heads off to see what Big Brother wants.

‘I’ll go and make us all a cup of tea’, Liz says and heads of towards the kitchen, followed by Penny.

In a few minutes Stuart reappears with a piece of paper.

‘We have our first task, guys.’

Penny and Liz come back into the room and Stuart begins to reads from the sheet…..

'Housemates' he reads

'If you look outside you will find that the tools you require for your first task have been delivered'

Everyone immediately turns towards the patio doors.

'No, pay attention all of you, we must read the instructions properly first!' chastens Stuart.

'Still a complete winker I see' whispers Penny to Brian

'Have you got something to say Penny? Would you like to share it with us all?' said Stuart.

' I thought I was the teacher here Stuart!' she replied.

'Oh my God, yer we go again!' said Helen

'I think' said Dean, languidly and obviously back on the herbal remedy, 'I think, I just think we should all just calm down. Awlriyght?'

'It's obvious that we are all under a great deal of pressure, and under the circumstances we need to establish and maintain a meaningful understanding of each other whilst celebrating the beauty of our individuality...' said Elizabeth. Her diatribe tails off as she becomes aware ten pairs of eyes looking incredulously at her.

'Or, we could just chill our boots!' said Paul.

'Exactly!' said Dean.

' Alright, this is all very heartwarming, but can we continue?' asked Stuart. 'OK, you have been provided with the component parts of a simple kit car, and a linguaphone course in German. You will therefore be surprised to find that the indtructions are in German. You have four days to decipher the instructions and construct the car.'

'That's brilliant!' said Paul. I speak German, and I know all about car components!'

'Oh Paul, you really are amazin' love, ent yew?' said H, adoringly.

'I may throw up!' said Narinder

'I think Mr Clarke senior might have called in a few favours with the film crew' whispered Amma to Stuart.

Stuart looked a little concerned. 'That's all well and good, but it is a group task, and if we have been provided with the language course, and there are after all eleven of us, we should all take part!'

'There's twelve actually Stuart!' said Helen.

'Babe, I know he's a bright little bloke, and he is a Clarke, but even then I don't think Bowden can really do much to help!' said Paul.

' He can watch though, can't he?'she said

'Course he can H, course he can!' said Paul, and the couple spontaneously hug.

' I am going to throw up! said Narinder.

'I think Helen has a point' said Brian. After all, if Bowden only watches at least he might learn something, whereas Josh will stand there and do nothing at all!. I mean, what does he know. he's not going to pick up an oily rag!'

'Brian, you don't know, I might just be very skilled with nuts and bolts and things!' said Josh

'Mmm, but we don't think so, do we children!' replied Brian

'Can I just say something?' Chirped up Bubble, who had been unusually quiet.

' Of course Bubble!' said Stuart.

'I think you should give Clarkey a chance. He's a good bloke, I have got to know him a lot better now.' said Bubble.

'And I have!' said Helen

'Yes Helen I think we know that! Anyway, it's his field of expertise. If it was teaching, it would be Penny, if it was songwriting, it'd be Dean, and if it was errrr Flamenco dancing, it would be Betty. I say give the bloke a chance. What about that?' he asked.

'He's right you know!' said Penny.

Stuart looked around and suggested a vote on it.

This was duly cast, Elizabeth and Stuart abstained, revealing a 4:4 split before Paul had cast his own vote.

'Leave me out of this I'll only be accused of rigging it!' he said.

'Well, that's fair Paul but we need a deciding vote' said Stuart 'Elizabeth, you must make a decision. Would you like Paul or myself to lead this project?'

'I think it's entirely inappropriate for me to take part in this. I mean why not ask the baby?' she said.

'Of course, Bowden!' screeched Helen. The baby grizzled in response. 'You'd like your daddy to do the car thing wouldn't you?'

Bowden looked up at the beaming face he was now beginning to recognise as his Mummy, and more importantly as his source of food. He responded with his very first smile and gurgle.

' I think that's a yes!' cooed Penny.

'That's it, I need a bowl!' shouted Narinder, rushing to the kitchen.

'OK, we've wasted enough time, Paul, the task is yours. We bow to your expertise.
Talk us through it!' said Stuart.

'Right! Great, wicked. This is what we'll do, yeah?

First, you lay out all the component parts in alphabetical order, labelling as you go. I'll just translate the instructions into English' he said excitedly and sat at the table, pencil in hand, tongue out to one side, obviously concentrating really hard.

'Look at him, little love!' said Penny. 'I just love pupils like that, they try really hard!'

'Listen Penny, I know you like Paul, but he's all mine now, OK?' said Helen

'That's alright H, I know. I realise he's not sophisticated enough for me!' said Penny

'Not like nasty Nick then penny?' said Bubblr.

' Yes well, we did have a little fling..' she replied.

' Done it!' shouted Paul jumping to his feet excitedly.

Big Brother, stunned at the speed with which he had acheived this, called him into the diary room and asked him to leave it with them whilst their German language expert checked it through.

Prof Hans Krol read it through incredulously. 'Zis is incredible!' he said.
'the boy's knowledge of the language is exceptional! And the speed wiz which he did zis! Wunderbar!'

Big brother announced to the housemates that Paul had translated with great skill, and verified that the technical data was absolutely precise.

The housemates looked at Paul, who responded by saying,

' Look, it's just something I can do, OK? No big deal. let's get on with it!'

'Oh Paul, you are amazing!' said Helen.

'You know, I actually think he might be..'
said Elizabeth

'Who'd have guessed?' said Brian and they all trooped into the garden to start assembling the car.

Elizabeth thought it best she inspect the components for sharp edges and label them with a red sticker to indicate she or Dean must be present when handling. However, this was soon abandoned when she realised a distinct absence of tasteless pink seat covers for the car. She couldn’t even improvise with her fluffy jumper from before. The producers told her she wasn’t allowed it this time muttering something about strobing. She went off in the huff declaring “this task is immature and cars are so loud”. More to the point she “we never covered them in my tutorials at university”, she thought to herself as she went to cook lunch and listen to the liguaphone.

“I like these bits here” announced Brian. “They’re sort of shiney and have funny patterns on them.”

“Ooh, I think we can make them prettier if we dab them with Vaseline, then sprinkle them with glitter” proclaimed Helen.

“I don’t like them: they’re wafer thin” Dean responded.

“Erm, they’re the circuit boards for the engine’s super advanced fuel injection system” Paul revealed. “I’m sure you’ll do a great job with them, but these babies look like RX2891s which me mates tell me are double cool already. I remember one time me and my mates were on holiday, and we rented these mopeds that didn’t have fuel injection. It was wicked, but I almost killed myself.”

Stuart interrupted. They had a schedule to keep, and in business it wasn’t good to have his foreman distracting the workers like this. “What about the indicators? They’re the best bits of cars. They wink on and off and are very helpful in letting other road users know what you are doing. I mean everyone uses them don’t they? It’s not a sign of arrogance is it?”

“They are if you’re driving to The Tan Stand” Amma sneered. “I don’t like these modern bumpers. They’re so boring and unreflective. Can we put tin-foil on them?”

“Well if you get tin-foil, I want this car to be a convertible” said Josh. “Better still, can it be one of those Jeep things with a roll bar? Then we can use them to do pull-ups to keep our Pecks in tip-top condition”

“I wonder which Formula One racing drivers are watching this right now thinking ‘I’d like to **** that Narinder’”.

Brian opened his mouth. He didn’t know the names of any racing drivers. Who’d watch Formula One when you could be shopping for belts? He sensed everyone looking at him to make a smart comment. God, he felt so ashamed by his lack of knowledge.

Dean screwed up his face, opened his mouth and said …

...'Aren't we just getting a bit off track here? I mean, we're building a KIT car, and that means it comes AS a kit, we don't HAVE to design it, just BUILD it.
Now, Paul, it seems to me that you KNOW what you're doing, and these jokers are all disTRACTing you.

Let's just get on with it. Paul can delegate the work and we'll do it. Is that clear?'

'Yes, Dean!' they all replied, with the exception of Stuart who narrowed his eyes, got up and walked to the decking area to pick up his weights. He proceeded to exercise vigorously, letting out his breath with each exertion in exaggerated grunts.

'Well, Dean, if that's how it is, I'll go in the kitchen, I know when I'm not wanted!' said Brian, throwing his head back and walking dramatically into the house, trailing his shirt behind him.
'And to think I was willing to work up a sweat there, and what thanks do I get? Oh, the RUDENESS!'

'Oh PLEEASE' said Josh following him into the kitchen. 'You had no idea what you were doing. You thought the air filter was a saucepan!'

'Mmmm, but I thought I might look good in one of those calendars, you know, all covered in Vaseline, sweat trickling down my chest, and with an oily rag sticking out of the top of my ever so slightly unzipped flies...' said Brian

'Ooooh Bri, sounds nice love! I can just imagine Mr Clarke like that. Will you hold Bowden while I go outside and look?' said Helen

'Helen, you can't have any thoughts like that for another 6 weeks! You filthy minx, you've just had a baby!' said Brian

'6 weeks Bri? I don't think so.' said Helen mischieviously, as she skipped outside to check on Paul's progress.

'You alright Paul? Ive been missing you. How's it going love?' she said snuggling up to his chest and squeezing him tight.

'Uuuurgh' said Paul, putting his arms round her gently and holding out his hands so as not to smear her with oil.
'Careful H, I'm all messed up, and grubby!'

'Yeahh, you smell lovely Mr Clarke! said Helen, rubbing her nose onto his chest.

'Helen, your boobs have really grown Babe!' said Paul, looking down approvingly.

'I know, they are fantastic aren't they?' giggled Helen, as they hugged each other ever closer.

'Excuse me Helen, but Dean's just told the others not to distract Paul. It seems to me that has to apply to you as well!'
said Elizabeth, obviously disgusted by their demonstrations of affection.

'It's Paul's fault, if you ask me!' said Amma

'How is it Paul's fault?' asked Penny

'It just is!' said Amma

'He's being too exciteable!' said Elizabeth

'He's enjoying all this attention SOOO much!' said Josh to Narinder. 'He thinks he is going to win JUST because he's married Helen and they've had this baby, and now he's building this car practically single handed. Ratings, ratings, ratings!'

'I think maybe that's a little bit harsh' said Brian, joining them at the patio doors.
'But there again, it IS Paul and it is very annoying hearing him talk ****, and actually having to listen to him, so go ahead!'

Helen stands away from Paul and promptly bursts into inconsolable tears.
' I don't want to be in this place no more! You're all horrible to Paul, and I don't know why, he's so lovely, and me and Bowden we just want him to ourselves. We don't want to be here with you, you and you!' she cried, stamping her feet and gesticulating at the other housemates randomly.

'Listen babe, I know the others don't like me, and fair play to them. I know you like me, and that all my friends and family do. It don't matter mate, if they want to do it alone, they can. But I think we'll just have to chill, and so will they, because it's for charity. If you're really unhappy, we'll go, but I think we should keep at it. You're all emotional, and that's normal, yeah? When my little brother was born my mum was like that' said Paul, looking down at her protectively.

'Actually, he's right H!' said Elizabeth reluctantly. 'It's your third post partum day and you are emotionally labile, swinging from euphoria to despair'

'What?' asked Helen, calmer now, but clinging even more tightly to Paul.

'She means you've got the baby blues!' said Bubble

'Oh, right. I remember Rhoda had them when Jackson was born' said Helen wearily. 'I'm tired now'.

'Come on you little love' said Penny. I'll look after Bowden and you go for a sleep. We should all remember that Helen just had a baby, and she needs to rest'.

'Alright Penny' Helen agreed. Paul kissed her on top of her head as she walked off to the bedroom with Penny supporting her.

'Come on Paul mate, I know it's tough going, but the sooner we start, the sooner we finish!' said Dean, as Paul watched Helen go inside.

'It's not right Dean, I'm not happy about it. The girl needs all the support she can get - her mum or my mum, at a time like this' he said.

' I know where you're coming from Paul, but we're in here, and it's for a good cause' replied Dean.

'She'll be alright' said Elizabeth

'She'd survive a nuclear holocaust, little dizzy cow' hissed Narinder between her teeth to Brian

'Naz!!' said Brian' Now that's not being nice!'

'Hey Paul, she's got Penny, that's like at least two mothers wrapped up in one! let's make Penny her nurse!' said Bubble

'God, that will send Helen over the edge!' said Stuart

'No Bubble, that's a really cool idea. Penny's a good girl, she'll look after them both' said Paul. 'I'll ask her! Stuart, will you just place the phlange screw in the......' before he could finish Paul found himself relieved of the screwdriver and propelled across the grass.

'You just go and sort out your wife and baby, and I'll continue here' said Stuart, smiling genially.

'Cheers mate, I'll come back and take over in a minute' answered Paul

'Stuart glanced back at Paul over his shoulder. 'Sure' he said.

Turning away, Stuart's smile vanished and was immediately replaced by a machivellian sneer. He winked into the mirror in front of him and straight at a startled cameraman who felt he MUST be looking straight at him.

'Bloody Hell' said the cameraman to the sound engineer, who was eating a sandwich beside him. 'That was bloody scary, and he's muttering to himself now. Can you pick up what he's saying?'

'Yeah, hang on a minute' replied the engineer, adjusting his console.

He looked at the cameraman in horror as he heard the dialogue coming through Stuart's microphone.

'Here, listen to this!' he said, passing his headset to his colleague

Stuart was intoning the same words over and over as he worked furiously to assemble the engine..

' That's what you think Paul, this is mine, all mine, you're not getting this back! Mine, all mine I tell you!'

'You alright Stu? Steady on young man, you're working so hard, you're frothing at the mouth!' said Bubble

'What?' said Stuart, clearing his head and thinking quickly. 'Oh yes, ha ha, just trying to push on, team work , you know!'

'He's a good bloke, Stuart.' said Dean to Elizabeth

'Yes, he's an absolute sweetie really' she agreed. 'Now what shall we have for dinner tonight?'

The other housemates settle into the evening routine, and calmness descends upon the house.................................