[SirTech]

it's a song i wrote, still incomplete and yes i am a song writer , i have written about 36 songs and this is one of the ones i'm working on right now .

Verse 1 :
All i can feel is the pain
All i can see is the rain
All i hear is the thunder
And the roaring of the worlds under
I thought i was strong
I guess i was just wrong
Perhaps i wasn't right
for running away in the night
But

Chorus:
you're just so cold
and you act so old
and i don't wanna stay
if everything's your way
you never have fun
you threatened me with a gun
and there's nothin left to do
but get the ***** out and leave you

[NettoSuperstar!]

Have you considered an alternative career?

[SirTech]

Originally posted by NettoSuperstar!
Have you considered an alternative career?

haha i'm not a songwriter , i do this for fun , it doesn't have to be good , i write these for fun ...and i'm not sure if you meant that in a positive or negative way ??

[NettoSuperstar!]

Heheh Im only messin with y@!

[SirTech]

Originally posted by NettoSuperstar!
Heheh Im only messin with y@!

ok , imma take that as positive

[SiaSiaSia]

KKK here are my points:

All i can see is the rain
All i hear is the thunder
And the roaring of the worlds under

under what?
you might want to tighten this bit, make it a bit less cliche?


I thought i was strong
I guess i was just wrong

This is a bit stereotypical song - everyone rhymes "strong" and "wrong"... try and think a bit more outside the box?



Perhaps i wasn't right
for running away in the night

I like this, and the enjambment

Chorus:
you're just so cold
and you act so old

I'm not sure about the second line; old in what sense exactly?

and i don't want to stay
if everything's your way

bit ambiguous?

you never have fun
you threatened me with a gun

terrible rhyming, good idea.

and there's nothin left to do
but get the **** out and leave you

I feel you're contradicting yourself a bit here




good attempt!

[NettoSuperstar!]

....and if she threatened you with a gun! blimey...no need for apologies!

[NettoSuperstar!]

"Chorus:
you're just so cold
and you act so old

I'm not sure about the second line; old in what sense exactly?"

Maybe she likes to watch last of the summer wine on a sunday and buys womans weekly?...the gun must have been from the last clay pigeon shoot!

[SirTech]

well i tried for fun ..again ... i am not a professional ... so i don't really get bothered by criticism

[NettoSuperstar!]

No good on yer Sir Tech its better than hanging round parks sniffing glue!

[SirTech]

haha , don't worry , i'm a clean boy
no drugs
no alcohol
no smoking

[NettoSuperstar!]

Good boy glad to hear it! You'll go far...maybe not in song writing heheh but something good (sorry I cant help myself...I dont mean owt by it)

[SirTech]

this is faaaaar off from what i'm gonna do haha , i told you before this was for fun , i'm planning to go to university and become a doctor

[MR.K!]

how about instead of 'you threatened me with a gun' - 'you thretened to run' ?

Great work btw

[NettoSuperstar!]

^^^^OR...."you wont let me do it up the bum"?

[MR.K!]

Originally posted by NettoSuperstar!
OR...."you wont let me do it up the bum"?

[SirTech]

haha you guys are hilarious

[NettoSuperstar!]

You can take a joke thats good mate Good luck with your studies!